AN APPLICANT’S ORDEAL

You woke up in high spirit that morning, singing your way to the bathroom, neighbours watch with suspicion trying to decipher the cause  of your joyous mood. Only Mama Femi the landlady could naturally muster such courage to ask “Neighbour he be like say you win jackpot for dream”.

“No, I’m just excited this morning” you had said smiling.

“I nova see you like this before o” she added scanning your face for a clue.

Whispering almost inaudibly “Am going for an interview today” you told her beaming with pride.

“Ahh, thank God yooo, na good news be…”

You had hush her to silence and swaggered into the zinc bathroom. Had a quick bath and in split seconds you are back in your cubicle, fitting into a well ironed three-piece suit. Done with your tie, ‘Am good to go‘ you whispered admiring yourself in the cracked mirror. ‘think specs would have added that business-like look‘ you muttered regretting you never had one. For a fresh masculine scent, you douse perfume on your clothe, Mascolino to  be precise, and you step out.

Stella your crush was  the first person you saw. From her expression you think she’s enchanted by your corporate look.

“Good morning bros”

You weren’t sure you heard her, but of course you did. ‘Sweet holy Micheal!‘ you muttered between surprise and excitement.  Transfixed, you stood gazing at her as have you always done. For she has never greeted you for once. Even when you greets her she seldom reply. But she just did, not only did she greeted, but did it in style by adding bros. Stella was a modest girl with an oversize backside, ‘Too much for a girl of her age‘ you had always complained whenever you stole a glance at her behind.

“Good morning Stella, hope you slept well?” you asked struggling to curtail you excitement.

“Yeah” she responded with a shy smile.

You had wanted to continue when Mama Femi the landlady edged nearer,

“You don dey go?” she asked almost too loud for your liking

“Yes, am leaving now” you said walking out of the compound

“Bobo! You fine today o!” she said laughing hysterically.

“He don get work” you heard her telling Stella and the other women.

Breezing into the premises of NIXON oil and Gas LTD you stopped and looked at the wooden signboard close to a recharge card vendor at the gate, boldly written: VACANCY FOR EMPLOYMENT, reassured you enter the mall, taxied straight to the reception. The receptionist who was busy watching a movie seemed oblivious of you presence,

“Good morning” you greeted her with British accent.

“Yes?” she asked still engrossed in her movie.

“I came in respect of the vacan…”

“No vacancy” she cuts in.

“I mean, I came in respect of the signboard ” you said adjusting you tie.

“Mister, there is no vacancy here” she said bluntly.

“But there is a signboard outside” you pursued.

“We did not place any signboard  outside” she said with finality.

Haven heard severally of how workers in oil firm reserve job space for their family members, thereby frustrating any person wanting to apply, sensing the game she wanted to play, you decided to beat her in her own game. You went back to the gate, reread every letters in the signboard: V-A-C-A-N-C-Y  F-O-R  E-M-P-L-O-Y-M-E-N-T, charged up,  you picked the signboard and was about taking it to the receptionist to read for herself when  the recharge card vendor tapped you,

“Oga where you they carry my signboard dey go?”

Bewildered, you asked “You put this thing here?” pointing at the signboard.

“Yes, I dey find sales boy”

“Blood of God! Holy Micheal!” you exclaimed, hating your country.

(Follow Erhijodo Edafe Emmanuel on Twitter @iamdafe)